Not for the Broken hearted
by sunshiine.love
Summary: I am Bella Swan and i am Afraid. A story describing bellas life, edward will come along. GREAT STORY. but i suck at summaries. OOC. ALL HUMAN. BXE. follow bella and understand why she is the way she is. M for abuse in later chapters.
1. my story

This story is not for the broken hearted, nor the hardheaded, but this story is for those who care

This story is not for the broken hearted, nor the hardheaded, but this story is for those who care. This is the story of my life of my pressures of love of hate and of desperation to belong in this tough and confusing world. I am one of those girls who sit out and watch the world pass them by, just because she is afraid to be broken. I am Bella Swan and I am afraid. Afraid of what you ask. I am afraid of what the world will do to me if I care for some one.

I spent my life wondering why, why my life is this way, why I am not a super model, why my father is my only guardian, why I can't remember my mom, and why the teachers do not notice the fact I limp, cry and hurt every. Single. Day. Of my _entire_ life.

My story is touching, sappy, treacherous, and full of hate, concern and despair. I determined not to cry while I write this, I am _determined_ not to. Because even though I am determined I _know _I will, and it will hurt.

I will relive my life for you all to see I will show you all how my life began and how it continues to this very day, I will go back to day it all started, the day of my parents meeting, I have heard this story over, and over and I will do my best to describe it to you.

But this story is not for the broken hearted. This is the story _from _the broken hearted. And this story is mine. My name is Isabella Marie Swan, and I am afraid.


	2. they were so in love

**_Hey guys so yeah i just updated this page so nothing is really knew just adding a disclaimer and an authors note...here we go!!_**

**_Disclaimer!! _**

**_SM Hey jayme_**

**_ME Hey stephenie_**

**_SM I heard you like to make cookies_**

**_ME WOW i do!!_**

**_SM well for 6 cookies i will give you Edward_**

**_ME YEAH!! hands over cookies_**

**_SM SYCH!! NO EDWARD FOR YOU!! NOMNOM now you dont get cookies back either._**

**_ME you mean!_**

**_SM what did we learn??_**

**_ME i do not own twilight or any other of the charachers..._**

**_SM go on_**

**_ME they all belong to the infamous Stephenie Meyer..._**

**_SM good job._**

I will start my story where it all began, in a little town – my home town - called Forks. Now Forks is located in Washington, of course if you asked any one if the have heard of Forks they would mention some sort of cutlery. Yes, I live in a town named after a utensil used to stuff you mouth with processed junk food. Yum.

My father is the chief of police in Forks, My mother said he was a handsome man and gentile and wouldn't hurt a fly – I know better now - she was so in love. Key word _was_.

She was his high school sweet heart, the meaning of his life, his breath, and heart. She was his everything. Their love seemed endless. They got married, she in a beautiful white summer dress, and him in shorts and a dress shirt. They married on the beach, hence the non-formal clothing. People did not expect them to get married right out of high school. Rumors flew.

Before you knew it they were victims of the towns criticism and tall tales. First they seemed to think he was pressuring her to marry him because she could do better, next it was only because she was married. And only few actually thought they were in love.

Their love started falling after my mother became pregnant, he was certain she cheated. She denied every accusation and cried herself to sleep every night.

This went on for nine months until the day of my birth, September 13, a little over a year after they got married. I was a miracle to them. I was what kept them together for the while she still lived. But I was also the reason my father became violent why when I was three I was beaten so badly that the hospital became like a second home to me.

While I am at this point I might as well tell you how my mother died, you see it all started on my fifth birthday…

_**(FLASH BACK)**_

"_**Happy Birthday Bella." Said my mom. You can tell she is happy that I am becoming her beautiful little girl, but you can also see the fear in her beautiful brown eyes. Because you see that was my second birthday I spent in the hospital.**_

"_**Bella, today you are coming home, Okay?" I can see the fear building up in her eyes, more prominent now. I am sure my eyes reflected hers.**_

_**My father can through the door. "Lets go." He said sharply.**_

_**The drive home was quiet, but that all changed as we walked through the door.**_

"_**Bella, we got you a cake for your birthday." This was the best part of the day so far.**_

"_**Mommy, when did you get me a cake?" I asked. "You were with me the whole time today."**_

_**My mom had a look in her eyes that said that she couldn't say right then. "Umm, I found time."**_

_**By the look my dad gave her I can tell he was not happy about something at the moment but before he could do anything my mother said "well lets get the cake!" with fake enthusiasm.**_

_**My mother brought me to the kitchen and sang happy birthday with the cake in her hands, my father just looked annoyed at this gesture.**_

_**She set the cake down and I looked at it and can tell how much thought my mother put into it, on the top is a beautiful blue rose and in bubbly letters it says 'Happy Birthday my beautiful angel' I can feel the tears rising in my eyes as she gave me a piece, and then served my father.**_

_**We ate in silence until it was bedtime; my mother brought me up the stairs to tuck me in. I can tell something is wrong.**_

_**My mother looked me in the eyes "Hey Cinderbella," I giggled at our special nickname, "I bought you something, and I want you to always wear it. And remember that no matter what happens I will always love you." She said as she handed me a locket with a beautiful sapphire in the center. I opened it and saw a picture of her and me back when life was great and we were all happy. The tears started to form in my eyes as I was gazing up at her.**_

"_**I love you mommy." I said with all my heart.**_

"_**I love you too baby." She said before kissing my head and before her named was hollered from down the stairs. She looked at me with grief stricken eyes and a small timid smile before she walked to her doom, to my greatest loss of all. My mother.**_

_**(END FLASH BACK)**_

My father beat her to death that day. She was found later in her staged death in the forest coved in leaves and stab marks to the chest and one gunshot wound to the temple. I lost my best friend that day.

The police did not dig any farther and that broke my heart.

That was twelve years ago, and I still wear the locket to this day. I look at the picture after Charlie's beating to try and soothe the pain by thinking of the happy times with my mom.

**_A/N: WOW my FIRST authors note...hmm...what shall i write...I KNOW!!...REVIEW PRESS THE FUNKY LOOKING BUTTON AND LEAVE ME A MESSAGE!! flames welcome!!_**


	3. The Ifs in Life

**_DISCLAIMER: WHY DIDNT PEOPLE TELL ME I DONT OWN TWILIGHT?!...you did tell me...oh...i must have been dreaming about marrying Edward...huh..._**

Days turned to weeks, weeks to months and every day I felt the same pain.

The physical pain was nothing, because I knew I deserved Charlie's beatings, I was the one who led my mother to her death. The emotional pain was nothing I couldn't handle, I mean it's not like I was bad at hiding my feeling and since I got so good at hiding them from others I got pretty good at hiding them from myself. None of the emotional or physical pain could compare to the _mental_ pain I put _myself _through.

Each day I tormented myself with the ifs if life:

What _if _I had saved her?

What _if_ I had never been born?

What _if_ she married someone else and lives a happy life?

These questions became my undoing, my fate, the realization that my life was as it is. There is no _IF _there is only _NOW_, and this moment. I do not have time in my meaningless life to ponder the ways I could have kept her alive I only have time to ponder how I am going to _stay _alive for the next day, beating, and if that goes through my mind.

But if I had saved her what would be different… If I had saved her would I have these bruises? If I run away will he come after me…If I get away how long will I be able to stay away knowing I cannot take care of myself.

There I go with the ifs again.

The definition of _if_ is an uncertain possibility… I am afraid to see if there is a chance so I always change those _ifs_, which are not going to happen in this lifetime, to nevers. Because no matter what I do, my mother, my best friend. She will _never _come back

These ifs have become my undoing. I lash out at my mind whenever I wander back to the ifs in life. There are too many to count now…

You cannot count how many times the ifs have come to my mind…well I guess I am rambling now.

Of course every time I think of these ifs I get a new if to think about. THE THRAIN OF IFS IS NEVER ENDING!!

I allow myself one if a day…and that if is always: _If _I live today, what will I do to keep myself alive tomorrow.

My word of the day is _emolument. _Emolument means to gain. I will some how find away to emolument my freedom and life no matter what the cost.

I will leave behind the _ifs _in life and look to the future…

**_(random 3rd person change of veiw because i felt like doing this and this sentence will catch up and have meaning later but first yall need to give me more i deas so i can but here we go, the random 3rd persom POV sentence!!)_**

Little did she know her mothers locket was the key to her freedom and life. And the one word engraved on the locket would be her safe haven whenever she needed it...

**_A/N YOU KNOW YOU LOVED MY RANDOM 3rd PERSON POV!! OMC I have an idea... but it will be in the next chap like thing and it will be an authors note!! DUH NUH!!_**


	4. Life went on

The light that streams through my window slips through the cracks of my fingers. Light no longer means hope for me it means something you cannot catch, something that you cannot _keep._ Light to most people represents happiness, or a good time in your life. But in my life I never get to keep the light, and when there is light it only brings heartbreak, when the darkness comes.

I like the darkness, the darkness is constant, it is blinding, and it is predictable. With darkness comes a numb, and that numb feeling takes over you…and in a way it's comforting. You don't have to wait for the light to shine, or the darkness to fade, because with me it never does. And I look forward to the day when the dark is all I see. The light slips through the cracks in my fingers every time, and gives way to darkness.

Over the past eleven years of my life I have been running and hiding from the truth. The truth, which I do not see. The _truth_ that keeps me here in this hellhole is the only one I see.

Every beating has a meaning. And the meaning my father picks for every one is: I killed my mother, it's my fault she's dead. And in a way it is true, and the side of me who believes him has slowly gotten control over the other half who wants to run and get away.

Just looking into my father's grief and hatred stricken eyes is enough to keep me from running, because deep down inside I still love him like a daughter loves a father, and that's saying a lot when it comes to what he does to me. I just want him to be happy and is me enduring the beatings is what it takes; I would do it any day.

I am on a first name basis at the hospital…and all they know is that I am clumsy, and that's what my injuries get blamed on. I have 'fallen' down the stairs a few times, truth is I was pushed. I have 'slipped' while carrying a knife, resulting in a stab wound to my leg, AKA I was stabbed by Charlie. **(Check out my pole and tell me what you want to read more.)**

I have set myself up for this hurt by killing my mother. Because it was my fault, not Charlie's, it was my fault that he killed her, I could have just asked her to forget about my birthday and saved her from those beatings.

Even now, looking at the locket, I feel comforted. Even after all those beatings that I have endured and deserved, I feel my mother's presence and it makes me happy. I can still see her beautiful face when I close my eyes. They way her eyes sparkled and he cheeks flushed, and her dark chocolate eyes crinkled, it was beautiful…and I miss it. I miss the feel of her motherly arms wrapped around me when I needed her love, when her fingers would gently brush away my tears and would sing softly to me to make me calm down.

My life is an endless pit of darkness, except for those moments when I close my eyes and see her, and feel her, and _smell_ her. Those are the moments where she enters my mind, and I know everything will be alright. I remember the days when she would read me fairy tales, those were the happiest moments of my few years with her, and they wee the only times it thought there could be a happily ever after for me.

_**Flashback:**_

_**Mommy sat with me on the bed, a big book open on her lap.**_

"_**Honey, do you believe in fairy tales?"**_

"_**What you mean like Cinderella and stuff?"**_

"_**Yeah, and true love."**_

"_**I believe in Cinderella, though I don' believe I will ever have my ever after…"**_

"_**And why is that sweet heart?" She sounded guilty like she thought it was her fault.**_

"_**Well, if I am going to fall in love they first have to find some cure for the cooties. I mean can you say ewe!" My mother laughed.**_

"_**Bella, honey one day you will meet someone that will make you happy, you will smile every time you see him, and laugh at his lame attempts to make you laugh, you will cry when he seems to not want you. But the truth is you will be his Cinderbella, and he will be your Prince Charming. But first in order to find that one man you will have to kiss a few frogs…just be sure he is the one. I don't want you stuck with a man you never loved, with a child…abused…" She was trailing off.**_

"_**Mommy, are you saying you don't want me to turn out like you?" I can see the tears starting to form.**_

"_**There are some things I want you to get from me…but I do not want you to make the same mistakes that I did." Before I could respond she continued talking.**_

"_**But enough about this lets read about Cinderbella." She smiled at me; I couldn't help but smile back.**_

"_**I love you mommy." I looked up at her.**_

"_**I love you too baby."**_

_**End Flashback…**_

These things my mom said, hit home that day. It was the first time I noticed my mom was actually not happy with her life, that all she wanted to do was run away and never come back…but I could tell she was staying for me. Because every little girl needs a father…what she didn't account for was that even though every girl needs her father, what they don't need is bruises to accompany that. Or maybe she did see it and that was why she died; she died trying to protect me.

I will never truly understand my mother and how she could be so self-sacrificing when it came to me. There was only one thing I fully and truly understood about my mom, and it was that she really loved me and found a way to show me every day. Whether it was reading to me or sacrificing herself for me…and I will always love her too.

My mother was beautiful and that's what attracted my dad to her in the first place. I don't believe they were actually in love…I think they were in lust back and had mistaken it for something else. But I was the only thing keeping them together because I was their child I was both of their flesh and blood and no matter how much it hurt her she still thought I needed my mom and dad. **(Hey hey the pole is up and YOU need to vote…NOW!)**

[Sadness][Abuse][Hurt][Bella][Charlie][Dead][Pain][Future][Edward]

The years gone by and every bruise was another symbol of my abuse. But the saddest pair was that _no one ever noticed_. I could wear dresses showing off my bruises and all people would do was chuckle and say something like, 'what did you do this time Bella, trip over air?' I would always say yes…it's the easiest explanation.

Even though school was my refuge…it still wasn't enough to keep me sane. I would see all these happy people and I would realize once again I could never _be happy_ myself. I could never love, befriend or even hate just because I was an emotionless void, and every one is the same. _Happy_ and _safe._

So life went on and I was the same hurt and void. It seemed no one could ever put me back together I was _broken, smashed, shattered_ and unfixable.

At least that was until _he_ and his family arrived. My guardian angel in disguise.

**(A/N: Ugh I know, you hate me.**

**I don't blame you.**

**I hate myself for my absence.**

**OOOH! I have a pole up where YOU tell ME what you want me to write first! It's getting hard to juggle them all with school and all and still keep my A average. Today was the first day in what seems like forever that I have been able to write because I had no homework! SHOCKER!**

**SOOO yeah people I loves you and because you love me you should review, Bella likes reviews and it makes Edward appear faster :]**

**So remember Jay loves you &♥**

**Jay xoxo…)**


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